DOES ROMANCE KILL RELATIONSHIP ?

DOES ROMANCE KILL RELATIONSHIP ?

by Lee H.B.

I don’t know many who would doubt that the institution of marriage is in a crisis.  According to statistics, between 42% and 50% of marriages happening right now will end in divorce. Statistics about affairs are a little more shaky.  Conservative estimates place the number at about a quarter of people will have an affair by age 52. Less conservative estimates tag the number at 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair during their lifetime.

Just 80 years ago, only 1 in 6 marriages ended in divorce. Marriages are now over 3 times as likely to fail.  So, what is the problem?
I am unwilling to place all the blame on romance, but I do believe there has been a significant shift in the meaning of marriage.  We have become an overly-sexualized and –romanticized society.
Don’t get me wrong.  There is a place for sexuality and romance, but not the role given today. The existence is not the issue, but the predominance.  The cart is, indeed, before the horse.
I spend my days working with couples and reflecting on marriage. What stands out to me is the many times I have heard a phrase like these:
“I just don’t feel the way I should feel.”
“I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.”
“I’ve lost the spark, and I can’t get it back.”
“I feel like we are just roommates.”
The common thread in all is that something is missing, the romantic feelings, the chemistry of a relationship. And many people assume that once these feelings are gone, there is proof that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship.
Let me say this one more time, to be clear:  I am not against romance. I am not against chemistry. I think these are crucial elements in successful marriages.  But to make them the measuring stick of a marriage is extremely dangerous.
Here’s why:  the chemistry between a couple — the desire to be romantic, ebbs and flows in the natural rhythm of a relationship.  Couples naturally feel more and less intimate at different points in a relationship.
Many people can’t understand why that intense chemistry cannot continue throughout a relationship. They think the flame is dying — the marriage is in trouble. But recent research shows how right we are when we say “madly in love.”  The same parts of the brain that are overly stimulated in psychosis are likewise stimulated during the infatuation period of a relationship.
We experience an intense cascade of emotions and chemical reactions that create desire to be close. But when we spend our days thinking about the other person, yearning to be in that person’s arms, scheming of how to show our undying love,  then normal life is just about impossible.
The strong feelings of infatuation have to cool to a more manageable level.  But because of the strong messages we get from movies, books, magazines, songs, and self-help resources, we believe that our relationships should always be “hot and passionate.” We are either breathless or something’s wrong.
We need a different paradigm.  We need to recalculate and make sure what we expect is both sustainable and healthy.
So, here’s the truth:  romance and passion naturally emerge from healthy relationships. When couples are loving toward each other, when couples meet each other’s needs, passion is a natural by-product. Romance becomes the desire to show the passion felt toward the other.  It is not something to be conjured at certain times. It is not something we do, but something that emerges from within us.
When people believe that the lack of passion means the relationship is fundamentally flawed miss the point that the real issue is establishing intimacy and connection.  That is a much more manageable task than trying to rekindle passion. Passion cannot be forced.  It is a natural by-product of the relationship that is being tended.
So the real task is to move from the opposite direction. Here are some simple suggestions:
Focus on connection. When we work on being with someone, spending time, learning about him or her, and nurturing a sense of being a team, we kindle intimacy.
Focus on doing loving things. When we do loving things, we create loving feelings.  Think of how a relationship naturally develops. We do nice things for someone else, and feel good about it.  They reciprocate and feel good. That, in turn, fuels our desire to do even more loving things, and the relationship grows.  Here, the importance is in consciously loving.  Part of commitment that is involved in marriage is doing loving things, sometimes when you don’t feel the emotion. This is a matter of separating doing loving from the emotion of loving.
Focus on caring for the other person. Often, when we feel that our needs are not getting met, we are quick to turn the focus to self, and we ask “what am I getting out of this.” But that is a problem. When both retreat, asking the question, the answer becomes obvious – nothing.  But if you keep moving toward the other, there is a chance to break through. It tends to be a growing back-and-forth of each becoming more giving. But someone has to start it.
Focus on accepting the other person. The things that attracted us sometimes become the things that drive us crazy. But part of what makes things interesting is that that other person is different than you.  Revel in that.  Find ways of relishing the difference, the idiosyncrasies of the other.  Make it your job to not only tolerate, but to truly treasure the differences.
Don’t let romance lead the way!  Love and commitment are the true engines. And when those engines are running, the rest will follow. Also check  www.savethemarriage.com

How To Save Your Marriage

HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE 

Each year in America alone, nearly 1 million marriages end in divorce.This is an incredible number! That would be as if all the citizens of Houston Texas were divorced (each divorce leaves 2 people).
The question is how many of those marriages could be saved. Unfortunately, that is an invisible number. If your marriage stays together, it is hard to find in the statistics. As Marian Wright Edelman wrote, statistics are stories with the tears washed off.
Can your marriage be saved? If I could answer that, I would be a wealthy man. I can tell you that if your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, the outcome is guaranteed. If you do something, there is a much better chance that your marriage will be saved.
And I can tell you, in four simple steps what you can do to save your marriage. You can start right now. But you must understand that I said "simple." That is not the same as "easy." These steps are not easy. They do, however, give you a path that you must follow if you want to change the destiny of a marriage in trouble.
Here are the 4 steps:
1) Quit the blame game. Stop blaming your spouse and stop blaming yourself. This is the first step because marriages get frozen into a pattern of blame that immobilizes any prospect of progress. Instead, the momentum gets dragged down and down.
Blame is our way of avoiding seeing ourselves clearly. It is much easier to point the finger somewhere and say "It's their fault." But in marriage, you can just as easily turn that pointing finger on yourself and place the blame there, saying "it's all my fault."
Unfortunately, blame feels good in the short-term, but in the long-term, it prevents any shift or change. So, even if you can make a long list of why you or your spouse should be blamed, forget it. Even if that list is factual, it will not help you put your marriage back together. Blame is the fuel of divorces.
2) Take responsibility. Decide you can do something. Change always begins with one person who wants to see a change. Understand that taking responsibility is not the same as taking the blame (see above).
Instead, blame is saying "regardless of who is at fault, there are some things I can do differently, and I am going to do them." What buttons do you allow your spouse to push? What buttons do you push with your spouse? Decide not to allow those buttons to be pushed and stop pushing the buttons.
What amazes me in my counseling is that everyone knows what they should be doing or not doing. But it is difficult to move in that direction. Don't be caught in that. Decide that you will take action.
The difference between blame and responsibility is this: if I am in a burning building, I can stand around trying to figure out who started the blaze, why it has spread so quickly, and who I am going to sue when it is over (blame), or I can get myself and anyone else I can out of that building (taking responsibility). When a marriage is in trouble, the house is on fire. How will you take action to save the marriage?
3) Get resources from experts. If others have been helped, you can be, too. Experts with a great deal more perspective and experience can be a real help in these situations. Do your research and divide the useless from the useful, then take advantage of the useful.
Don't assume that your situation is so different from every other situation. I can tell you that after 20-some years of providing therapy, not too much new comes through my doors. Don't get me wrong; the story changes, but the dynamics are the same.
Remember what Albert Einstein said, "The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them." In other words, what got you into trouble will not get you out of trouble. That requires a whole new level of thinking. And that is what you get from an outside expert, someone with a fresh perspective.
4) Take action. More damage is done by doing nothing by taking a misstep. It is too easy to get paralyzed by the situation. Therapists often talk about "analysis paralysis." This occurs when people get so caught up in their churning thoughts and attempts to "figure things out" that they never take action.
It is not enough to simply understand what is causing the problem. You must then act! On a daily basis, I find people coming to my office with the belief that if they can just understand their problem, it will resolve itself. That simply does not happen. Resolution of the situation takes action.
Will your marriage be saved? If you follow my suggestions, you have infinitely more opportunity for saving your marriage than if you do nothing. Marriage is one of those places where it takes two to make it work, but only one to really mess things up. You can only do your part, but many times, that is enough. Resolve not to ask the question but to begin to act.
Are you ready to take action? Grab the best-selling resource on the internet for saving marriages: Save The Marriage, Even If Only You Want It! You can find it at www.savethemarriage.com

The Myth of Marriage

THE MYTH OF MARRIAGE 

Part of the difficulty with marriage is that the only training we get is "on the job." Rarely do you say to someone, "I want you to go work with those tools in there. Have fun, get the job done, and don't kill yourself." But, essentially, that is the start of a marriage. We have some rudimentary skills from relating to others, but the real knowledge and skills are hard-earned.

d.And the problem is, sometimes we learn lessons that are incorrect, or at least only partially true. These become the myths of our marriages. They are the stories we tell to ourselves in attempts to understand. Unfortunately, they are only partially right, at best. Often, they are totally wrong. Once we learn the stories, we refuse to give them up.
I've chosen 5 of the most common myths of marriage. You can decide if you tell yourself these stories, and if so, what you might be missing. Because, you see, the stories we tell ourselves determine how we act and what we assume. And that, ultimately, can either teach you to use the tools or allow you to injure yourself.
MYTH: "Marriage shouldn't be this hard." Lie this leads to: "If it is, maybe we shouldn't be married."
This is a powerful story about marriage. People assume that good marriages are easy, and there is no struggle. There is the romantic belief that good relationships "just work." Science has yet to discover a perpetual energy machine, and I doubt relationships are any different.
This summer, I was at a beach that hosts the annual sea turtle nesting. The large mother sea turtle lumbers up the beach, just above the high-tide mark, right at the base of the sand dunes, digs a hole some 18 inches into the ground, and lays a large group of eggs. Those eggs are left to develop and hatch, usually a couple of months later.
Now, here's the interesting thing: those tiny turtles (maybe 3 inches long) have to make the long trek from the nest to the sea. The long trek for the mother turtle is very long for the baby turtle. Some people have felt bad for the turtles in the past, and decided to help them to the surf.
By being picked up and carried to the surf, the "helpers" insured the death of the baby turtles. You see, that long trek to the sea builds the muscles in the flippers of the baby turtle. Those muscles are all that ensure the survival of the babies.
Some struggle (not too much) is necessary for developing the muscles of survival. It is true with relationships, and certainly true with marriage. When we struggle together, we develop the skills necessary to take on other struggles.
The real task is not to have a marriage that is easy. The real task is to learn how to allow the struggle to move you together, not push you apart. The statistics are pretty clear. Almost half of all marriages end in divorce. However, the hidden statistic is that 100% of marriages have difficulties. Staying married is not from a lack of difficulties, it is from using the difficulties to learn and develop.

Find out How -  www.savethemarriage.com